Why Nonprofit Leadership Is Surprisingly Lonely (And What to Do About It)
It can be lonely and isolating to be a nonprofit executive director.
Being a leader of any kind may sound sexy (or scary), but anyone who has been a leader understands the isolation, the ups and downs, and how lonely it can be. The expression “It’s lonely at the top” is based on some truth.
In business and politics and among celebrities, the circle of people you can trust often gets smaller and smaller. For nonprofit executive directors and CEOs, these stressors are compounded by lower overall compensation rates, high burnout levels, and outsized expectations that our leaders should embody everything we believe in.
But we do have tools at our disposal to make leadership less lonely and more joyful and open. Read on to learn more!
Why Is Leadership So Lonely?
Leadership takes many forms and often requires sacrifices. When we talk about leaders being lonely, we’re usually referring to someone who is a pioneer in their field, an innovator, or who is taking on the responsibilities of a leadership position or position of authority in a movement or organization, such as a nonprofit executive director.
Leaders must carry a lot of weight on their shoulders and they increasingly endure intense scrutiny. Leaders are expected to earn people’s trust through their ideas, words, and actions. They also need to regularly navigate conflict, acutely aware of how their actions and words will be interpreted (or misinterpreted). At the same time, leaders are also expected to deliver concrete results.
In my experience as an executive director, several factors have made leadership feel especially isolating.
Pressure to Be a Role Model
Leaders may feel that one of the burdens/joys of their role is that they are seen as role models. That may lead them to limit or regulate how they organize their lives, recreational activities, dating patterns, social media posts, or many other things because they believe role models have to live a particular way.
This belief is entirely rational. People do judge and gossip, and leaders are held to higher standards.
One of the most frustrating things about society is that we tend to build people up when they are in good standing but the minute they make a mistake, we tear them down. This pattern is obvious to nearly everyone, so leaders are taking risks and making sacrifices by choosing to lead.
Your Life Under the Microscope
Leaders are also open to more scrutiny. If they lead organizations, they are more likely to be the target of regulators, the media, law enforcement, civil suits, and others.
Many people decide not to run for office or lead an organization because they don’t want that level of notoriety or scrutiny. There is plenty of anecdotal evidence to show that the public has no problem weighing in on other people’s lives and heaping plenty of judgment on people they don’t even know.
In some cases, some leaders have been “canceled” or “fired” for what would have resulted in a simple reprimand five years ago. I’m not talking about racism or sexism, which should not be tolerated. I am talking about the chewing up and spitting out of our leaders, leaving scorched earth in their place. The recent resignation of Claudine Gay from Harvard University came after a few wealthy donors demanded her resignation as part of a political campaign.
Leaders notice this, and they ask themselves, “Why bother leading…it seems thankless.”
Criticism and “Canceling”
The minute you decide to step out of your comfort zone and be more visible, be a leader, or build an audience of any kind, you will be criticized…sometimes by the people you least expect. Many people cannot or choose not to endure this, and they can’t be faulted for that. It takes a thick skin to survive the level of criticism that comes with leadership today.
With all these challenges, it's a miracle anyone wants to step out and be a leader. And yet, people are called to solve real problems in the world. And that is what makes leadership, especially in the nonprofit sector, so exceptional.
The Contradictions That Make Nonprofit Leaders Especially Lonely
We often think of nonprofit leadership as being all about community. In nonprofits, we’re supposed to be pulling together to change the world, right?
But just like other leaders, many nonprofit executive directors feel lonely and struggle with imposter syndrome. In my experience as an executive director, it can take several months or even a year in the role before you fully understand or notice the isolation.
Some of the top reasons for isolation that I’ve experienced or heard from other nonprofit leaders include:
Every organization is unique – a fact many nonprofits often pride themselves on (and something many funders demand). But this can make getting organic support and advice from other nonprofit leaders more challenging.
Workloads and stakeholder demands give us little time to meaningfully connect with other leaders (beyond talking coalitions or collaborations).
Nonprofits are notoriously bad at orientations, especially for leaders. Most executive directors get a high-level “welcome” and are told to figure out the rest. Executive directors also report to volunteer boards and most board members are not experts in nonprofit leadership or even the subject matter the nonprofit focuses on!
Nonprofit leaders must be many things to many different people, and perceptions matter. You may need to behave differently when you’re with your service population vs your donors vs your coalition members. Speaking to the press can be a whole other challenge. I want to stress that you should always be real, but each pivot can feel like you aren’t really in control of your authentic self.
In other words, nonprofit leaders are expected to excel in their work and their leadership with little guidance or support. One of the biggest challenges I’ve found, however, is in the many conflicting expectations nonprofit leaders must balance.[ In 2024, Inside Philanthropy wrote about BIPOC leaders not feeling supported.]
Conflicting Messages About Nonprofit Leadership
Many nonprofit leaders are bombarded with messages that they must be strong, the “boss,” confident, and “step into their leadership.” But there are contradictions because nonprofit leaders are also told to be authentic, vulnerable, and transparent. These conflicting messages can make it hard for nonprofit leaders to find their way.
Humility vs Hubris
To raise money, punch above our weight, and grow our organizations, we must toot our own horn and talk about the amazing work we do. And yet, we are also told that leaders mustn’t brag. You need to be the biggest cheerleader for your organization's accomplishments and strategy; simultaneously, you need to be completely humble when working in a coalition and when dealing with stakeholders.
Finding the balance can make you feel like you can’t win. This can lead to feeling in authentic at times and a little lonely because you can’t say exactly what’s on your mind.
Accept the blame, not the credit
Ultimately, the person most accountable for anything that goes wrong in a nonprofit is the executive director. The buck stops with you. Shifting blame or throwing others “under the bus” is not great leadership.
Another contradiction is that you have to accept all the blame for things that go wrong, and you rarely get credit when things go well, or you end up sharing the credit. There are few people to pat you on the back.
Confident vs. Cocky
Another contradiction is that we are told we must exude confidence, even if we are doubting ourselves. But emanating confidence can come very close to cockiness. Being an executive director means communicating a particular “executive presence.”
People may say you should be authentic, but what if networking isn’t authentic to you? What if being kind to rude people isn’t authentic? This kind of diplomacy and leadership can make you feel alone because you inhabit a double persona.
Authentic vs Unprofessional
It is pervasive in the leadership literature that leaders be authentic, not fake. But what does this mean exactly? If we are too honest at times about our thoughts, beliefs, life experiences, and ambition, we run the risk of people saying, “Whoa, TMI (too much information),” or “You really should keep your personal life personal out of the workplace and remove any emotion from decisions that should be guided by logic.”
As a gay man, I can’t tell you how many times I have had to hold back stories from my life out of fear that heterosexual employees may feel that any discussion of gay issues is “personal” or “sexual” and thus inappropriate.
Some people may feel like they need to hold back on sharing or even hide their sexuality, faith, disabilities, health challenges, or other aspects of their lives and identities for fear they won’t be seen as authentic but instead as unprofessional. These aren’t just irrational fears. They are real. There can be very real consequences for showing who you truly are.
Decisive vs Inclusive
Leaders of nonprofit organizations, more so than in the business world, are encouraged to involve their staff, board, and stakeholders in key decisions. Since they are all there for the mission, everything seems to think they can have a say in organizational decisions.
We often love leaders who are decisive and don’t let everything get workshopped to death or be decided by a committee. And yet, to build morale, retain talent, and be regarded as a great leader you must balance decisiveness and including others in the strategic direction of the organization.
The Cost of Nonprofits’ Scarcity Mindset
All of this happens in a sector plagued with scarcity and poverty mindset. This means that we don’t always operate with a sense that anything is possible or from a place of optimism about money.
We tend to tell nonprofit leaders that it is an inevitable part of their jobs to earn less money than their peers in government or business. So, the stress and isolation are made worse by being told we have to do it with less compensation, less competent bosses, and fewer resources. It’s a testament to the resilience of nonprofit leaders that they can thrive!
For more information on How to Avoid Feeling Overwhelmed in Your Executive Director Role, click here for a great article from Sarah Olivieri, The Business Alchemist.
How to Make Leadership Less Lonely
Luckily, there are ways to make nonprofit leadership feel less lonely. All of these ideas helped me immensely as an executive director and they have also helped the leaders I work with.
Find support from peers. This is free and powerful. Find two to three other current or former nonprofit executive directors and check in with them regularly just to vent, blow off some steam, and get perspective and insights.
Build trusting relationships with your board. Believe it or not, you can be friends with your board members. Ideally, they will all have your back and be able to hear your concerns and struggles and keep them in perspective. It’s OK to let your board know where you are thriving and what is a struggle for you and to ask for help, support, and resources. But on a human level, don’t forget to invest in these relationships.
Join online communities. Online groups can be great and provide a little anonymity. If you vent in these communities, you may still want to be careful and discreet about what you share and how frank you are. There may be people in those communities connected with your organization or who work for a key foundation or a “competing” nonprofit in your space.
Get a coach. Group coaching or one-on-one coaching can be a powerful force in anyone’s career, confidence, and even personal life. This is why I started coaching programs specifically for nonprofit executive directors.
Journal. Journaling is also free and powerful. Getting your ideas and thoughts out on paper helps you stop ruminating and clarify where you are struggling. Journaling activates a part of the brain that helps with problem-solving. It makes it easier to get perspective and process any isolation or struggles you have in your leadership role. My free Executive Director Toolkit comes with a success journal to help you get started!
If you’re ready to feel less alone as a nonprofit leader, I’d love to connect and see how Mind the Gap consulting can help.
